For the past few weeks Chase and I had been counting the days until the moving truck would be loaded since we thought at that point we would finally be able to relax and unload some of the stress we had been carrying. I didn’t realize until after the truck was loaded that the only thing left to do would be to say good-bye, and the real heaviness would finally settle in. I couldn’t deny the fact that we were, in fact, leaving our home, friends, and everything that had been familiar and comforting over the past five years. In essence, the first real adventure of our adult lives was officially over.
I write this from Kansas, where we are spending the Christmas holidays with Chase’s family until we continue onto North Carolina, and our new adventure will finally begin. Even though we’re moving to my hometown, an area I know like the back of my hand, I have no idea what to expect. Will we fit in? Will we make friends? Will it be everything we’ve dreamed of or will we regret it? Watching my California friends posting on Facebook and realizing that I won’t be joining them in a few short weeks to catch up over drinks and laugh about our holiday misadventures has me struggling not to be overtaken by waves of sadness. When the holidays are over we won’t feel the usual relief of being back home in California, because our home is no longer there.
I’ve already decided that my New Year’s resolution is to relinquish my self-pitying feelings and to embrace all of the wonderful things that I do have in my life. Until then though, I’m going to allow myself just a few more days of mourning for our old life, and prepare for the new one that will come soon.
Yesterday I was stressed. Stressed because we have so much left to pack, because a piece of furniture I ordered hadn’t arrived, and because I felt sad to be moving away from good friends. I felt like I was trying to hold back tears from anxiety that was threatening to get the best of me.
Today I haven’t been able to keep the tears back, and they are unrelated to my so-called “problems.” Those concerns are insignificant at best, and they no longer plague me. Maybe some of our possessions will break, or get lost in the move. Maybe the furniture won’t show up. Maybe we’ll have to stay up all night to finish the packing. But there are families in Connecticut who would be thrilled to fill up their day with issues like packing and furniture deliveries. I cannot even begin to comprehend the grief they must be feeling, or how a person could be driven to enter an elementary school and gun down innocent children.
My thoughts and prayers are with the families who have suffered today. I’ve been on a search for somewhere to donate to the victims and would love any suggestions if you know of one. Although, as much as I would love to help, as I’m sure many other Americans would, I can’t help but feel overwhelmed by the idea that no matter how many of us ban together to offer support, it will never come close to undoing the horrific actions of one individual.
I hope everyone is hugging their loved ones a little harder tonight. Thanks for reading. xoxox
What I am missing most in my life right now, besides my sanity, is better music. When I start packing each morning I look to my iPod and realize there’s no song that fully encompasses how I’m feeling. It was easy when I moved to Los Angeles, since there is no shortage of songs that go, “I’m moving to the big city to pursue my dreams and it’s fine because sometimes you have to take risks in life,” blah, blah, blah. However, I’ve yet to find the, “my dreams ended up not being as much fun as I was hoping, so I’m moving back home and trying to be upbeat and excited,” theme song. Also missing are songs of, “we’ve been living an awesome life in the big city but now we’re settling down so that our families can ask us every five minutes when we’re having kids instead of the usual six months.”
Basically, I’m looking for a new soundtrack to my life. Any suggestions?
Sometimes, when you’ve been packing and calling utility companies and stressing and drinking lots of wine and eating cheese for breakfast, you have to just take a minute to pause and be thankful for what you have. Like common sense and intelligence that is superior to a chipmunk, which is more than this lady can claim.