I haven’t freaked out yet, so I win

Nothing much to report really, except of course that my kitchen is in pieces and we still have boxes of stuff lying around and it’s cold outside and Chase has just left for a month to go work on a film. But hey – I have wine, cable TV and fuzzy socks so life is good. And I have this video, which is worth getting up for in the morning. And by “getting up,” I mean that it is worth rolling over in bed and watching on my iPhone to at least start the day off right. And by “right,” I mean with a smile on my face and not giving in to the anxiety that is forever threatening to bubble up. It’s the little victories that count.

Why would you put them next to interstates?

Sometimes, when you’ve been packing and calling utility companies and stressing and drinking lots of wine and eating cheese for breakfast, you have to just take a minute to pause and be thankful for what you have. Like common sense and intelligence that is superior to a chipmunk, which is more than this lady can claim.

This only happens in small towns

While hiking recently, my friend Mary told me a story about her parents that was so hilarious that I A) was laughing so hard I had to stop walking B) Felt I had to share with you all.

Mary’s parents are new to drinking in public. Meaning that until recently they viewed drinking as a shameful activity that shouldn’t be done in places where they could be seen by people they know. In the past this caused them travel to neighboring cities to go to beer festivals where they only drank  a couple Yuenglings before heading back home. (For those who aren’t familiar, Yuengling is a beer that is so common in North Carolina you can buy it at any gas station. There is no reason to drive more than half a mile to get one and why it is even served at a beer festival is beyond me.) Recently Mary’s parents came out of the drinking closet and decided it would be great fun to enjoy a beer before seeing  a movie. So far I’m in total agreement with this plan, except that I only have cocktails after movies, because otherwise I spend half the film getting up for pee breaks. Fact: when I know I’m to the movie theater I try to arrive slightly parched so I can sit and watch, undisturbed by my bladder.

Back to my story – Mary’s parents’ plan for beer before a movie sounds great except for the fact that the town mall with all the restaurants is on one side of a busy street, and the movie theater is on the other side. They refused to go to the restaurants across the street because then they would be drinking and driving (!) afterward. I asked Mary why they couldn’t just walk across the street, and she said it just wasn’t something they do. This goes to the small town mentality that big busy streets are scary places that can only be traveled by car. Also, how drunk are these two really planning on getting before they go to a movie? I mean…I’m pretty sure that most people should be able to drive across the street after one beer.

This was all turning out to be quite a conundrum until Mary’s mother realized that a Chuck-E-Cheese was right next door to the theater. Yes, exactly. They decided they would go to Chuck-E-Cheese for their pre-movie cocktails. At this point I interrupted Mary’ story to ask if Chuck-E-Cheese even served alcohol. “Oh yeah, my mom even called ahead to find out.” Think about that for a second. The whole Chuck-E-Cheese decision was not a crime of passion and opportunity, but a pre-meditated decision.

So, these two wild and crazy parents go to Chuck-E-Cheese to have their adult beverages and get up to the drink counter in front of a long line of parents that you know, actually had children with them, and ask for two beers. And the teenage clerk is like, “Beer?” because apparently even he wasn’t even aware they served alcohol at Chuck-E-Cheese. So then all of these parents who are waiting to get food and drinks for their, you know, CHILDREN, are having to wait while the staff of Chuck-E-Cheese determine that yes, they do serve beer,  locate where it’s kept under lock and key, locate the key, unlock it and bring out what I’m sure were two incredibly old Bud lights to serve to Mary’s parents.

And then – Mary’s parents take their beers and enjoy them in the wonderful setting of…Chuck-E-Cheese… which if you’ve never been, pretty much consists of kids running around screaming and playing loud video games so they win tickets which they use to buy cheap crappy toys that their parents could just go buy them for a fraction of what they spent in tokens for the games, but that would obviously be less fun. Oh, and all the while the kids are running back and forth from the game to their table where they get loaded up on bad pizza and soda. The parents are doing…I’m not sure what. Now that I think of it I’m not sure why they don’t serve more alcohol there.

I guess that Mary’s parents had a successful night in the end. Although I do find it striking that the same people who used to be embarrassed to drink at all in public now find nothing wrong with going to Chuck-E-Cheese for the sole purpose of ordering beer. Cause you know, two adults getting inebriated in Chuck-E-Cheese voluntarily without a child doesn’t seem the slightest bit strange/weird/creepy at all.

Politics we can all agree on

Okay, this isn’t a real post at all. I swear I’m going to have a real post soon, but my friend just uploaded this on her Facebook page and I’m so horrified that I need to share it with someone. It’s like when you see something really gross on the sidewalk, like puke or dog diarrhea or a dead bird and you just have to grab your friend standing next to you and go, “OH MY GOD!! Look at that REALLY GROSS THING over there! Please look at it so we can both share in HOW AWFUL it is!”

That’s pretty much my reaction to this video.

PS – If you’re one of those people who don’t point out gross things to people because you actually have class, I really admire you.

PSS – I would like to make it clear that I’m not taking a political side with this video. I’m pretty sure that even Romney fans, or Romney himself, would think this girl is a fucking moron.

I Heart Garfunkel & Oates

This isn’t a real post. I just finished watching the Garfunkel & Oates Comedy Central special and then went to their Youtube page to re-watch some of my favorite songs that weren’t on the show and then I felt like sharing. If you aren’t familiar with these two, please take a moment to enjoy these videos*:

*If you are not a fan of cursing, sarcasm or gay marriage please skip this post. Also, if you’re pregnant and hormonally sensitive or you like Ed Hardy you should skip it too. If you’re against gay marriage AND you like Ed Hardy you can just forget this site exists and never come back. I’ll get over it.

This song embodies why I only go to gay clubs. At least the guys there know how to dress properly and never try to pick me up.

Ya’ll, I cannot tell you how often this happens to me. And in really inappropriate places, like my family reunions.


My favorite song, and now I’m going to be singing it in my head for the rest of the day. Because singing it out loud would be really weird for everyone around me.

I think I was roofied

You all remember my Aunt Sara, right? You know, the one that left me this voicemail last year? I thought she had learned her lesson about leaving me incriminating messages, so you can imagine my surprise when out of the blue this showed up on my phone:

To be clear, Henry hadn’t told me ANYTHING, so I had no freaking idea what she was going on about. Knowing her, I was able to surmise that “I was roofied” meant “I had a killer hangover” and “I can take nourishment” meant “I can drink wine again.” There is something to learn from this though: if you ever find yourself with a hangover at an age when you really should know better – just say your daughter’s friend roofied you. That will sound MUCH better.

I texted my cousin Polly (Sara’s daughter) and basically said “FYI – your mother is leaving me weird voicemails about getting roofied,” and she was like, “yeah, she does that sometimes.” Then she sent me this photo, which apparently represents how Sara spent the entire day after her unfortunate incident.

I’m assuming that Sara thought leaving me a voicemail would help with the damage control to her reputation in case I decided to write a post about this incident. She obviously hasn’t figured out how blogs work.

Aunt Sara – I love you. Lots. *hugs*

I don’t think Mickey would approve

This is my cousin Emily. Don’t let that innocent watermelon eating face fool you, she is not to be trusted. When we were about 10 years old my parents took us on a trip to Disney World and one afternoon we came up with a HILARIOUS game at the hotel pool where we would go under water, rip our bathing suits off and then slip them back on before coming up to the surface.

Remember the good ole days when all you needed to do to be entertained was rip your clothes off in a public place in daytime? sigh…

Okay, so this was all clean, innocent fun until yours truly got her bathing suit tangled up and COULDN’T GET IT BACK ON. Instead of remaining calm and simply standing in the pool with just my head above water until I could untangle it, I went in to full panic mode and would only come up for a quick gasp of air before ducking back under the surface and trying to fix the suit by staring at it underwater with my chlorine-soaked eyes. You can only imagine how well this went.

And you know what my loyal cousin Emily did? She laughed her ass off. She laughed so hard that she was completely unable to help me at all, which only contributed to my panic. Soon I was near tears for fear that I was going to have to get out of the pool naked and explain to my parents how my suit had magically flown off my body and then been tied into knots, and Emily was laughing so hard she was in danger of cramping up and drowning. Which honestly, would have served her right.

I did eventually get the suit back on, no thanks to Ms. I-like-to-laugh-at-other-people’s-naked-misfortune. All I can say is that the next time I find myself without clothes in public and need assistance – I am sooooo not gonna call this girl.

From China to Taiwan

Here’s a little weekend fun for you:

Go to Google Maps, and click on “directions”. Then enter “China” as your starting point and “Taiwan” as your ending point.

Scroll down to instruction #48:

Yes indeed. After turning left it recommends that you swim across the Pacific Ocean. I suggest that on this particular trip you pack lightly.

Even better: change your starting point to “United States” and then find instruction #31:

Since this distance across the ocean is a bit longer, I guess they recommend that you upgrade to a kayak instead of your arms, although one could debate the merits of each option. This also suggests that if you were to choose a kayak to cross from China to Taiwan you are obviously a weenie.

Question – has anyone, in the history of the world, gone across the Pacific Ocean in a kayak?

My favorite part actually is instruction #33. Imagine the guy that kayaks his ass across the ocean only to arrive and wonders A) What am I supposed to do with this kayak now and B) Where the F*CK is Kuilima Dr.??