Category Archives: Marriage

Our pre-marriage counseling missed a few things

Conversation from last night:

Me: I recorded, “Home Alone.” Don’t you love that movie?
Chase: ehhhh, it’s okay.
Long pause.
Me: Sometimes I feel like I don’t know you at all.

Taking into consideration that Chase also hates Winnie the Pooh (!), I’m pretty sure this is grounds for divorce. We’ll file it under “irreconcilable movie preferences.”

Before You Know It

I’ve spent a lot of my weekends this summer working at weddings, which although they might be fun, are rarely moving or emotional events when you don’t actually know anyone there. However, there was one moment that did touch me, and I’m thinking about it a lot today. The beautiful bride and groom had said their vows, had their first kiss and began to make their way down the aisle. Family members rushed up to give them hugs and kisses, when the groom’s grandmother, who’s husband had passed away, grabbed her grandson and told him quite plainly,

“Take good care of her, because before you know it, it will all be over.”

Maybe it’s because I just lost my mother, who’s presence I had always assumed would be infinite in my life. Maybe it was the full weight of hearing those words from someone that had already lost their life partner. But either way, I can’t help but feel a little choked up remembering those words. This life is so fleeting, and before we know it, the time will come when we have to say good-bye.

It is our third wedding anniversary today. Our ninth anniversary as a couple. It seems like we have only just begun our time together, and yet I can feel each moment slipping by faster than the last. In the minutiae of daily life that so often consists of taking out the trash, balancing the budget, washing dishes and arguing over who should fold the laundry, it is easy to forget how truly magical all of these moments are. But I’m going to continue to try a little harder for each day that comes and it still isn’t over just yet.

We are not that couple

When we first moved into this house, our days were filled with constant discussion of all the changes we were envisioning. We walked through each room and commented on what colors we would paint, where we would replace carpet with hardwood, if they would become offices or bedrooms, etc. After a few months of living through the hard work and stress that such transformations take, those discussions have tapered off. I’ve realized that the only way we’re making it out of this intact is to focus on one project at a time. Now we don’t mention installing blinds unless the sun is actually in our eyes. Anything that isn’t an immediate concern is tuned out completely.

I had envisioned myself posting lots of cute tutorials on home improvement, documenting all the work that Chase and I were putting into the house and sharing our knowledge. You know, like this couple. I have learned that there are some people that can take on home improvement projects and make them seem easy, even fun. We are not that couple. The truth is that we daily feel like we’re just keeping our heads above water, and the thought of trying to take artful photos seems completely out of reach, as does writing an intelligent post on our thought process. After a week of stress and arguments, the last thing I want to do is re-live how many Youtube videos and conflicting opinions we consulted on how to stain our concrete floor before I finally just told Chase that I would do whatever he felt was best and tried to take my hands off it.

Remodeling has created a cyclical pattern in our relationship. We begin by looking ahead to the next project and excitedly talk about how great it will look. We are naively optimistic on the amount of work and money our vision will require. When it comes time to make choices we begin to bicker and try to force the final decision on each other since neither of us wants to be the one taking blame if something goes wrong, or if our money is wasted. It’s exhausting, not just physically but emotionally.

At some point…we hit a breakthrough. Whether it’s because things actually start to work out the way we hoped, or because we finally accept that it doesn’t matter whether or not that paint color is the exact shade we envisioned, there is always a moment of relief when we let out the breath we realize we’ve been holding the entire time. And we remember that together we’re building a home, our home, a forever place, and it really is going to be amazing.

Thanks for reading. xoxo

Smoked Salmon Sandwich with Lemon Ricotta

Making this sandwich resulted in a fight between me and Chase. You might be wondering how people can get into a fight about smoked salmon and ricotta sandwiched between two pieces of bread, since there’s absolutely nothing about that that isn’t just delightful, but it all comes down to some poorly timed texts and Ralph’s stocking some weird varieties of bread. Also, Chase and I probably shouldn’t talk to each other before we have our morning coffee.

Chase was out running errands early in the morning and I asked him to pick up a French bread baguette on his way home. Simple enough. Then, since I figured there was no way this could possibly go wrong, I hopped in the shower, only to discover when I got out that he had sent me a text asking if I wanted the “crunchy French baguette” or the “sweet French baguette.” Okay, I’ve heard of different varieties of baguettes like, “wheat,” “sourdough,” or “multi-grain,” but who the heck distinguishes their bread by crunchiness and sweetness? Seriously Ralph’s, get it together.

At any rate, sweet bread and smoked salmon sounded gross, so I texted Chase that I wanted the crunchy bread, but since he sent the original text over 15 minutes ago, he had already made a decision himself and was now moments away from walking in our door. And, since he’s a Southern boy and assumes that more sugar is always the solution, he had the sweet baguette in tow.

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Definitively Annoying

Chase is not a fan of definitive statements. And by not a fan, I mean that he will dance around saying them until I am 5 seconds away from stabbing him in the eye. Here’s how a typical conversation about breakfast goes in our house:

Me: Do you want eggs for breakfast?

Chase: I would eat some eggs.

Me: Right, but is that what you want, or would you prefer something else?

Chase: I mean, eggs are fine. I’ll eat them.

Me: This isn’t a trick question or anything, I can make you something besides eggs if you want.

Chase: I just said that eggs are fine.

Me: Well…can you just say “Yes, I would like to eat eggs for breakfast,” to make me happy?

Chase: I said eggs are fine.

Me: Repeat after me: “Yes, I would like some eggs.”

Chase: If you put some eggs in front of me, I would eat them. Not unwillingly.

This is of course not to say that he isn’t capable of making definitive statements, He just can only do it when it comes to things that are in no way helpful. Examples:

“I like watching football for up to 9 hours a day.”

“Cookies are delicious.”

“I have to go poop.”

“If we are ever rich, I’m going to buy a Ferrari in bright yellow and no matter what anyone says I believe in my heart of hearts that people won’t think I’m a douchebag.”

I may have exaggerated the last line a little bit. Only the part about the color though. Even Chase would have to admit that yellow Ferraris are only owned by douchebags, but he won’t actually say that definitively.

Bachelorette food

Chase is working late this week, meaning he’s been eating most of his meals on set (he works in the film industry, did I tell you all that? Actually, I do as well, but let me clarify that it’s not nearly as cool as you might think. (Anyone from the entertainment industry reading this right now is thinking, “Amen, Sister.” Except that of course no one in this industry would say “Amen”  due to the fact that we’re all obviously godless heathens whose sole mission is to make everyone gay. Duh.))

Anywhoo… since Chase isn’t going to be joining me for dinner, that means I can eat WHATEVER I DAMN WELL WANT TO. The list of “Things I get to eat when I don’t have to take Mr. I-Used-To-Eat-HotPockets-Three-Meals-A-Day into consideration” consists of:

1) Soup, even when it’s hot outside. And I don’t have to feel the pressure of making it a “hearty” one. Sometimes a girl just wants a brothy bowl of potato-leek soup for dinner during the summer, okay?

2) Anything with onions in it. Honestly, I could write a list a mile long with this one. French onion soup is my #1 guilty pleasure when Chase isn’t home.

3) Random stuff that would never normally be considered a meal. Like, a glass of orange juice with a handful of saltines followed by a scrambled egg and bowl of sweet peas. If I’m full at the end then the ultimate goal was achieved, and I love when I don’t have to explain the random decisions that got me there.

4) If I make tomato sauce, I add at least 2 extra cloves of garlic. While I can eat heads of roasted garlic spread on toast and be in heaven, I’m always having to trim back when Chase is around.

5) Breakfast for dinner. I’m not sure what that guy has against eating eggs throughout the day, but I personally don’t have an issue with it. In fact, it’s often my preferred choice.

6) New recipes. Sometimes I use Chase as a taste-tester, and other times I like to know that if I fail miserably it will be in private.

This is not to say I don’t enjoy eating dinner with my husband. Especially if it’s at a restaurant, with food I don’t have to cook and dishes I don’t have to wash and a really pretty cocktail I didn’t have to mix, and I can still order the French onion soup. But this week I’m going to relish my dinners of pasta with garlicky tomato sauce, hot soup and scrambled eggs, and no one is going to judge me.

What are your favorite meals when you’re all alone?

Real Life Vs. Melodrama

Yesterday morning Chase woke up before me, got out of bed and left the bedroom. He didn’t say good morning or give me a kiss. He didn’t linger to cuddle like we normally do on a weekend.

I proceeded to break down in my head all the reasons why he might be mad at me and/or how this was the beginning of the end of our happy marriage. I figured this must be how it starts – soon we would just be passing each other at home like two strangers.

I got up, dejected, and went to take a shower. And then Chase came rushing into the bathroom to say I couldn’t take a shower right now.

Me: Why?

Chase: You just can’t.

Me: Just tell me why…

Chase: Ummm…I got up early to make you breakfast in bed and it’s almost ready.

So yeah….

Real life: 419

Melodrama that I invented in my head: 0

Sometimes I wish my husband was a jerk

I figure the best way to move on from the whole “you’re distasteful for writing about how much you and your husband fight” incident is to return to writing about my marriage with more stories about FIGHTING. Cause I will not let some person I don’t know bring me down. And it’s still is the best material I have. Don’t you wish you were married to ME?

Here’s what will happen. Chase and I will get into a fight about something he said/did that pissed me off. We used to get in really heated screaming fights when we first dated but now we are MATURE MARRIED PEOPLE and so we stomp off into opposite corners of the apartment and don’t speak until someone has calmed down enough to form non-insulting sentences. This normally works fine except that I’m  not always the kind of person that should be left alone with her own thoughts, because I will continue to have another fight with Chase IN MY HEAD for the next hour or two. I will convince myself that he is just  a jerk and selfish and how could I be married to someone that is so insensitive?

And here’s where the crazy part happens. I know, right? Like, isn’t this enough to already be categorized as “non-sane”? I will then proceed to come up with the PERFECT comebacks for Chase’s imaginary arguments, in effect slaying him and making him realize what a super intelligent and angelic wife I am, and how he should be so lucky to be married to someone so perfect.

Then, I wait. For real-life Chase to say something that I have already pre-determined he will say so I can lay the smack-down on him with my well-crafted arguments. And you know what is almost always the first thing out of his mouth when this happens?

“Hey babe, I’m really sorry for saying/doing that thing earlier. I really love you and hope you forgive me.”

Don’t even start with the “you have such a great husband” crap – THAT RAT BASTARD JUST STOLE MY THUNDER. Cause seriously, I can’t very well go off on him for APOLOGIZING now can I? And I have to face the fact that I have just wasted precious hours of my life perfecting arguments to a fight that is never going to happen except for inside my narcissistic head.

So yeah, sometimes I wish Chase was a jerk. So I could be RIGHT. To men who think that women place a high value in being right – I can pretty much guarantee you have underestimated some of us.

A Response

Yesterday a woman left a comment calling me distasteful for writing so many posts depicting Chase and I fighting with each other, and like any mature blogger I went on a Twitter rant, duh. (okay, it was only 4 tweets but that’s an insane amount of Tweeting for me). After I got it out of my system, I finally started wondering why such a stupid comment had me riled up, and I had to admit that the perception that Chase and I are constantly at each other’s throats is not entirely unfounded based on some things I’ve written. However, it is also completely inaccurate to our reality and although I know you’re not supposed to feed the trolls, I want to respond anyway.

The truth is, Chase and I hardly ever fight and most of that time we spend together not fighting just isn’t interesting to write about. Want to know what we did this Saturday? We cuddled on the couch and watched movies all day. I am already getting bored and tired of myself just writing that one sentence. I tried to think of something I could do to make that day seem funny, unique, or interesting and I couldn’t.  Watching “The Help” in my pajamas on a Saturday afternoon while eating potato chips just isn’t going to be good material, which is truly unfortunate because if it was I would have A LOT more to write about.

I think I tend to write about imperfect moments in our lives because that’s what I enjoy reading in other blogs. Not because I want to read about other people’s misfortunes, but because I like to know that we aren’t alone. If I go on Facebook all I see are smiling faces and perfect couples holding hands and looking perfect all the time, and I want to know that we aren’t the only peope to bicker over ridiculous things like dusting the living room. Writing about these moments forces me to laugh at my own imperfections. It makes it impossible for me to stay mad or hold a grudge, and even with hosting fees, this blog is way, way, cheaper than any therapy I could have.

So yes, we do fight. But not as much as this little blog might lead you to believe. And yes, I enjoy writing as a way to find humor in those little moments that might otherwise be anything but humorous. And if you think that I’m distasteful and probably a pain in the ass to be married to, YOU MIGHT VERY WELL BE RIGHT. But you’re not married to me, and the only opinion I really care about is the person who is.

And he almost never reads this blog so that pretty much gives me the all-clear for anything. Ba-zing!

30 Day Schedule – It Begins

I honestly had no intention of writing about this 30-day cleaning schedule until I had actually tried it, because just saying “Hey, I want to be an adult and clean stuff more than once a month” really isn’t newsworthy, but then Chase pitched such a fit over being forced to change his normal cleaning schedule (the non-existent one) and so it suddenly became an EVENT in our home which gives you a good idea of how low the bar has been placed. And yes, I have started a romance with run-on sentences and it’s going just fine, thankyouverymuch.

A little background: yesterday I saw this post about how to keep your kitchen clean in only 20 minutes a day, and that post had a link to how to keep your entire home clean in 20 minutes a day. And since I have lots of free time at my job am super excited about cleaning my apartment, I put together a little chart so that Chase and I could keep our kitchen AND home clean in only 20 minutes a day (if the two of us work together – this is a key assumption).

BTW – if you’re following along at home you can download my 30 Day Schedule chart that I adapted from Sarah Rae Trover. I made some changes to accommodate for the overlap of kitchen cleaning steps, but it should still do the trick.

To give you an idea of how this went, here are a couple of snippets of the conversation we had:

Me: All we have to do for Day 1 in the kitchen is wipe down the fronts of appliances.

Chase: Wipe down the appliances? That isn’t going to get them clean, you’re just pushing the dust around and into cracks, you have to use a wet cloth or something.

Me: Where does it say you can’t use a wet cloth?

Chase: Do you realize how many appliances we have? It’s going to take A LOT LONGER than 20 minutes.

Me: We have a stove, refrigerator, toaster oven, and a dishwasher. How is that going to take 20 minutes?

Chase: What about all the electronics? The TV, cable box…

Me: This is the kitchen appliances only.

Chase: Oh. When do we clean all the electronics?

Me: I don’t think electronics are on the schedule.

Chase: Then this is stupid. It obviously doesn’t do a good job.

Me: When you have come up with your own 30-day cleaning schedule I will be happy to compare the two.

A few minutes later

Chase: We have to clean the whole living room in 20 minutes?? And we have to DUST? It’ll take at least an hour if we have to dust everything.

(I am not making this up)

Me: AN HOUR??? What do you do when you dust?!? You realize I’m only talking about OUR living room, right? Not the living rooms of everyone on our block.

Since dusting the living room was more than Chase could handle, I gave him the kitchen task of wiping down the appliances, which he did at the slowest pace possible so that he could prove to me that this 20-minute model was a ridiculous idea and we should give up now.

Which is probably why we finished everything with 7 minutes left on the timer.

30-Day Schedule: 1    Chase: 0