Sometimes I wish my husband was a jerk

I figure the best way to move on from the whole “you’re distasteful for writing about how much you and your husband fight” incident is to return to writing about my marriage with more stories about FIGHTING. Cause I will not let some person I don’t know bring me down. And it’s still is the best material I have. Don’t you wish you were married to ME?

Here’s what will happen. Chase and I will get into a fight about something he said/did that pissed me off. We used to get in really heated screaming fights when we first dated but now we are MATURE MARRIED PEOPLE and so we stomp off into opposite corners of the apartment and don’t speak until someone has calmed down enough to form non-insulting sentences. This normally works fine except that I’m  not always the kind of person that should be left alone with her own thoughts, because I will continue to have another fight with Chase IN MY HEAD for the next hour or two. I will convince myself that he is just  a jerk and selfish and how could I be married to someone that is so insensitive?

And here’s where the crazy part happens. I know, right? Like, isn’t this enough to already be categorized as “non-sane”? I will then proceed to come up with the PERFECT comebacks for Chase’s imaginary arguments, in effect slaying him and making him realize what a super intelligent and angelic wife I am, and how he should be so lucky to be married to someone so perfect.

Then, I wait. For real-life Chase to say something that I have already pre-determined he will say so I can lay the smack-down on him with my well-crafted arguments. And you know what is almost always the first thing out of his mouth when this happens?

“Hey babe, I’m really sorry for saying/doing that thing earlier. I really love you and hope you forgive me.”

Don’t even start with the “you have such a great husband” crap – THAT RAT BASTARD JUST STOLE MY THUNDER. Cause seriously, I can’t very well go off on him for APOLOGIZING now can I? And I have to face the fact that I have just wasted precious hours of my life perfecting arguments to a fight that is never going to happen except for inside my narcissistic head.

So yeah, sometimes I wish Chase was a jerk. So I could be RIGHT. To men who think that women place a high value in being right – I can pretty much guarantee you have underestimated some of us.

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16 Thoughts on “Sometimes I wish my husband was a jerk

  1. nestra on February 3, 2012 at said:

    I sometimes have arguments with my husband in my head without there being any reason. I imagine he is pissed and take it from there. Yeah, my head is a complicated place!

    I get the wishing your husband could be a jerk, I don’t think mine is capable of really fighting and it makes me nuts sometimes.

  2. Glenda J on February 4, 2012 at said:

    I used to say my husband and I never fight but after 36 years of marriage I need to rephrase that to “Hardly ever” fight. Maybe that lady doesn’t have a husband to know that it isn’t all tunnel of Love, sometimes it’s more roller coaster. Love your posts. Thanks for being honest. Too bad there isn’t more honesty on the blogs.

  3. Michael on February 4, 2012 at said:

    Knowing both of you pretty well, I have to say that you are the cutest couple on the planet, mainly because you compliment each other so well — even when you bicker.

  4. bahahaha I make up imaginary arguments too! And not just for my boyfriend, for other people too. I *might* be a little passive aggressive…or something.

  5. meredith on February 4, 2012 at said:

    Hi Caroline! first to say, your blog is so cute! I love reading it! you’re super funny and delicious recipes!
    and secondly, i completely agree! it drives me absolutely nuts that my boyfriend is not more of a jerk or more stubborn! i ask him honestly what he would change about me or what small little thing bothers him that i do… he says nothing at all and here i have a list of things about him. so i end up having arguments with him in my head… just to have them! but that doesn’t make me love him any less. that person who called your writing about arguing “distasteful” is distasteful them self! you can’t judge how anyone else’s relationship works! i may be judgmental against my boyfriend but that doesn’t make us love each other less. shame on that other person! and have a lovely, relaxing weekend with your husband! and we should grab dinner soon! :)

  6. Maryann on February 4, 2012 at said:

    Okay, no offense but you just made this whole thing really awkward. You shouldn’t have made such a big deal about some troll poster, because now it just seems weird when you write posts about your husband-this whole ” my husband apologizes hes so cute, but I am going to pretend he is a jerk.” You are completely ruining your “style”. Bloggers get random posters all the time, who cares?

  7. Barbara S. on February 4, 2012 at said:

    OK I have to admit I sometimes also continue to have another fight with my husband in my head after an argument.

  8. Mary on February 4, 2012 at said:

    What nerve he has! MY husband’s problem is that, while I can think of plenty of things I’d like him to change (hang up his clothes, find the laundry basket, not leave his crap all over), he can’t ever seem to come up with anything for ME to change…and I KNOW I’m far from perfect.

  9. I have arguments in my head when i know that i have to say something to my S.O. that might not go over well and i come up with comebacks and arguments as to why what I want reigns supreme. Get home to a “sure babe, why not.” and feel cheated. lol

  10. Siara on February 7, 2012 at said:

    HAHAHAHA I make up stories in my head, too. Probably not the greatest thing to admit, but Im okay with it because I would be lying if I didn’t say I laughed when I read your blog because I could relate! First time on your blog and pretty sure it won’t be the last!

  11. Lauren on February 7, 2012 at said:

    I love this post. I do the exact same thing!

  12. “THAT RAT BASTARD JUST STOLE MY THUNDER. “<—-I nearly spit out my coffee. It's funny, because I've definitely done the whole argument in my head so I can come back with a well timed zinger, and I'm not even married or dating. I think I just out-crazied you. lol

  13. Jane Wertz on March 4, 2012 at said:

    I thought I was the only freak of nature who acted the same way. It irritates me to no end when after an argument my husband will try and be nice as an apology, and he never really apologizes :-/ So in the end I end up coming off as a bitch because I’m furious over what he did or said coupled with the fact that he wants to pretend like it never happened, and he gets to feel better about himself because he things he is taking some freakin high-road by being nice and respectful in that moment. Screw him!!!

    And yes, I am currently pissed at him :-)

  14. We might be twins because I do this exact thing, too. I love pretend fights.

  15. Sarah on June 26, 2012 at said:

    I’m so relieved I’m not alone in imaginary fighting/winning!! I’ve also spent some quality time perfecting “the look” I’ll give my husband when I totally win the fight that’s taken place in my mind. It’s worth taking a few minutes to see just how badass you can look when you say something like “Do you really think I’d eat the last graham cracker AND spread the last bit of Nutella on it? No, I’d share. Like a decent spouse.”

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