Our pre-marriage counseling missed a few things

Conversation from last night:

Me: I recorded, “Home Alone.” Don’t you love that movie?
Chase: ehhhh, it’s okay.
Long pause.
Me: Sometimes I feel like I don’t know you at all.

Taking into consideration that Chase also hates Winnie the Pooh (!), I’m pretty sure this is grounds for divorce. We’ll file it under “irreconcilable movie preferences.”

I Am Not Hibernating

Conversation at home this morning:

Me: This shirt has gotten really tight.

Chase: You’re probably putting on some hibernation weight.

Me: It’s too early in the morning to be mean.

Chase: No really, we all put on some extra weight to get through the winter.

Me: Ummm…I think that you’re referring to bears.

Chase: Well, we’re not that far from bears.

Me: Actually, I think people are pretty fucking far from bears.

Chase: I’m like a bear.

Me: Oh really? Explain to me what you have in common with a bear.

Chase: We both have hairy chests.

Me: …I can’t tell if just won or lost this argument.

Before You Know It

I’ve spent a lot of my weekends this summer working at weddings, which although they might be fun, are rarely moving or emotional events when you don’t actually know anyone there. However, there was one moment that did touch me, and I’m thinking about it a lot today. The beautiful bride and groom had said their vows, had their first kiss and began to make their way down the aisle. Family members rushed up to give them hugs and kisses, when the groom’s grandmother, who’s husband had passed away, grabbed her grandson and told him quite plainly,

“Take good care of her, because before you know it, it will all be over.”

Maybe it’s because I just lost my mother, who’s presence I had always assumed would be infinite in my life. Maybe it was the full weight of hearing those words from someone that had already lost their life partner. But either way, I can’t help but feel a little choked up remembering those words. This life is so fleeting, and before we know it, the time will come when we have to say good-bye.

It is our third wedding anniversary today. Our ninth anniversary as a couple. It seems like we have only just begun our time together, and yet I can feel each moment slipping by faster than the last. In the minutiae of daily life that so often consists of taking out the trash, balancing the budget, washing dishes and arguing over who should fold the laundry, it is easy to forget how truly magical all of these moments are. But I’m going to continue to try a little harder for each day that comes and it still isn’t over just yet.

Definitively Annoying

Chase is not a fan of definitive statements. And by not a fan, I mean that he will dance around saying them until I am 5 seconds away from stabbing him in the eye. Here’s how a typical conversation about breakfast goes in our house:

Me: Do you want eggs for breakfast?

Chase: I would eat some eggs.

Me: Right, but is that what you want, or would you prefer something else?

Chase: I mean, eggs are fine. I’ll eat them.

Me: This isn’t a trick question or anything, I can make you something besides eggs if you want.

Chase: I just said that eggs are fine.

Me: Well…can you just say “Yes, I would like to eat eggs for breakfast,” to make me happy?

Chase: I said eggs are fine.

Me: Repeat after me: “Yes, I would like some eggs.”

Chase: If you put some eggs in front of me, I would eat them. Not unwillingly.

This is of course not to say that he isn’t capable of making definitive statements, He just can only do it when it comes to things that are in no way helpful. Examples:

“I like watching football for up to 9 hours a day.”

“Cookies are delicious.”

“I have to go poop.”

“If we are ever rich, I’m going to buy a Ferrari in bright yellow and no matter what anyone says I believe in my heart of hearts that people won’t think I’m a douchebag.”

I may have exaggerated the last line a little bit. Only the part about the color though. Even Chase would have to admit that yellow Ferraris are only owned by douchebags, but he won’t actually say that definitively.

Real Life Vs. Melodrama

Yesterday morning Chase woke up before me, got out of bed and left the bedroom. He didn’t say good morning or give me a kiss. He didn’t linger to cuddle like we normally do on a weekend.

I proceeded to break down in my head all the reasons why he might be mad at me and/or how this was the beginning of the end of our happy marriage. I figured this must be how it starts – soon we would just be passing each other at home like two strangers.

I got up, dejected, and went to take a shower. And then Chase came rushing into the bathroom to say I couldn’t take a shower right now.

Me: Why?

Chase: You just can’t.

Me: Just tell me why…

Chase: Ummm…I got up early to make you breakfast in bed and it’s almost ready.

So yeah….

Real life: 419

Melodrama that I invented in my head: 0

Sometimes I wish my husband was a jerk

I figure the best way to move on from the whole “you’re distasteful for writing about how much you and your husband fight” incident is to return to writing about my marriage with more stories about FIGHTING. Cause I will not let some person I don’t know bring me down. And it’s still is the best material I have. Don’t you wish you were married to ME?

Here’s what will happen. Chase and I will get into a fight about something he said/did that pissed me off. We used to get in really heated screaming fights when we first dated but now we are MATURE MARRIED PEOPLE and so we stomp off into opposite corners of the apartment and don’t speak until someone has calmed down enough to form non-insulting sentences. This normally works fine except that I’m  not always the kind of person that should be left alone with her own thoughts, because I will continue to have another fight with Chase IN MY HEAD for the next hour or two. I will convince myself that he is just  a jerk and selfish and how could I be married to someone that is so insensitive?

And here’s where the crazy part happens. I know, right? Like, isn’t this enough to already be categorized as “non-sane”? I will then proceed to come up with the PERFECT comebacks for Chase’s imaginary arguments, in effect slaying him and making him realize what a super intelligent and angelic wife I am, and how he should be so lucky to be married to someone so perfect.

Then, I wait. For real-life Chase to say something that I have already pre-determined he will say so I can lay the smack-down on him with my well-crafted arguments. And you know what is almost always the first thing out of his mouth when this happens?

“Hey babe, I’m really sorry for saying/doing that thing earlier. I really love you and hope you forgive me.”

Don’t even start with the “you have such a great husband” crap – THAT RAT BASTARD JUST STOLE MY THUNDER. Cause seriously, I can’t very well go off on him for APOLOGIZING now can I? And I have to face the fact that I have just wasted precious hours of my life perfecting arguments to a fight that is never going to happen except for inside my narcissistic head.

So yeah, sometimes I wish Chase was a jerk. So I could be RIGHT. To men who think that women place a high value in being right – I can pretty much guarantee you have underestimated some of us.

30 Day Schedule – It Begins

I honestly had no intention of writing about this 30-day cleaning schedule until I had actually tried it, because just saying “Hey, I want to be an adult and clean stuff more than once a month” really isn’t newsworthy, but then Chase pitched such a fit over being forced to change his normal cleaning schedule (the non-existent one) and so it suddenly became an EVENT in our home which gives you a good idea of how low the bar has been placed. And yes, I have started a romance with run-on sentences and it’s going just fine, thankyouverymuch.

A little background: yesterday I saw this post about how to keep your kitchen clean in only 20 minutes a day, and that post had a link to how to keep your entire home clean in 20 minutes a day. And since I have lots of free time at my job am super excited about cleaning my apartment, I put together a little chart so that Chase and I could keep our kitchen AND home clean in only 20 minutes a day (if the two of us work together – this is a key assumption).

BTW – if you’re following along at home you can download my 30 Day Schedule chart that I adapted from Sarah Rae Trover. I made some changes to accommodate for the overlap of kitchen cleaning steps, but it should still do the trick.

To give you an idea of how this went, here are a couple of snippets of the conversation we had:

Me: All we have to do for Day 1 in the kitchen is wipe down the fronts of appliances.

Chase: Wipe down the appliances? That isn’t going to get them clean, you’re just pushing the dust around and into cracks, you have to use a wet cloth or something.

Me: Where does it say you can’t use a wet cloth?

Chase: Do you realize how many appliances we have? It’s going to take A LOT LONGER than 20 minutes.

Me: We have a stove, refrigerator, toaster oven, and a dishwasher. How is that going to take 20 minutes?

Chase: What about all the electronics? The TV, cable box…

Me: This is the kitchen appliances only.

Chase: Oh. When do we clean all the electronics?

Me: I don’t think electronics are on the schedule.

Chase: Then this is stupid. It obviously doesn’t do a good job.

Me: When you have come up with your own 30-day cleaning schedule I will be happy to compare the two.

A few minutes later

Chase: We have to clean the whole living room in 20 minutes?? And we have to DUST? It’ll take at least an hour if we have to dust everything.

(I am not making this up)

Me: AN HOUR??? What do you do when you dust?!? You realize I’m only talking about OUR living room, right? Not the living rooms of everyone on our block.

Since dusting the living room was more than Chase could handle, I gave him the kitchen task of wiping down the appliances, which he did at the slowest pace possible so that he could prove to me that this 20-minute model was a ridiculous idea and we should give up now.

Which is probably why we finished everything with 7 minutes left on the timer.

30-Day Schedule: 1    Chase: 0


Someone is Winning, and it’s not me

I resigned myself early on in our co-habitation that Chase was more likely to reveal himself to be a werewolf than change a roll of toilet paper, but there’s another menial household chore that is absolutely driving me nuts.

Common conversation in our house:

Me: Is there a reason you put the empty tea jug next to the recycling bin, as opposed to in it?

Chase: Because it’s large and fills it up quickly.

Me: Okay…but if it fills up then you just take it out, right?

Chase: But I won’t have to do it as often if I don’t put the jug in there.

Me: Ummm…but see the point of having a bin is so that we DON’T have trash lying around on the floor like bums. And it’s not like there’s a maximum amount of times we can take the trash out. I’m pretty sure we can even do it multiple times a day if necessary.

(Chase has by now put is headphones back on in order to make it go away)

Another common conversation:

Me: Is there a reason you put the tea jug next to the recycling bin, as opposed to in it?

(Honestly, you have no idea how much Arizona tea that boy drinks, and I have yet to ever see the stupid jug go INTO the bin)

Chase: Because it’s full and wouldn’t fit.

Me: Well, why wouldn’t you just take the recycling out then? That’s what normally happens when a bin is full.

Chase: I’ll do it later.

Me: I think you and I have different definitions of “later”. See, I think it means “in the foreseeable future” and you seem to think it means “I will put this off for as long as possible until someone else (Caroline) does it for me”.

Chase: I’ll do it later.

Me: Please clarify when “later” is.

Chase: Later.

Me: Are you going to forget about this conversation in the next 5 minutes?

Chase: Probably.

Me: So my choices are to take out the recycling myself, or resort to becoming an annoying, nagging wife? Either way I feel like I lose…

Chase: Which means I win. Winning!!

I think it’s trying to tell you something

Let’s talk about this picture frame, shall we? Yes, it is absolutely a replica of the gates to Jurassic Park. It also happens to be a prized possession of my husband. There is something about this ridiculous picture frame that fills him with fond memories, though apparently none of these memories were caught on film since it still remains empty to this day.

However, I have quite a few memories associated with this picture frame, most of which involve me arguing with Chase over whether or not we should get rid of it. At least 2 times a year we will do a major cleaning of our apartment and without fail this stupid thing always comes up.

This past Saturday Chase had to work and so I was left home alone to clean the apartment, and I felt compelled to address the issue once again, which resulted in the following image/text conversation taking place:

Me: I think your picture frame has become suicidal.

Chase: I think you can leave my picture frame alone.

Me: “Chase, you never put pictures in me! I feel so unloved.”

Chase: You have too much time on your hands. How about doing my laundry?

Me: “But what about me? Don’t you care about me? Why do you insist on keeping me around??”

Chase: Love you too.

Sadly, after all that the frame has not only survived, but Chase is still vehemently insisting that this is a “really cool picture frame.” I think I’m going to insist that we place it on a very high ledge and hope that a “tragedy” doesn’t befall it.

Hipstamatic is Ruining My Marriage

Okay, so Chase has FINALLY arrived in town for a visit and this past weekend we decided to rent out a room at a bed & breakfast in Asheville so that we could take in the sites and have some, ahem, privacy. I have forgotten in the two months that we’ve been apart that Chase is capable of sleeping far longer and more often than me. He sees sleeping as a recreational activity to be engaged in whenever possible, whereas I view it as something I have to do when my body makes me. This resulted in me being completely bored out of my mind when he took a nap one afternoon and I was left wide awake and realized I had OF COURSE left my kindle at home. I flipped through channels on the TV in the room but apparently this hotel was under the impression that everyone else staying there would be content enough to just take in the mountain scenery, considering the line-up consisted of only two channels, one of them being a constant weather forecast. I mean, nature is awesome and all but where are my Housewives? (if you listen carefully you can hear a collective groan from my “get out and play” parents as they read this last sentence)

So… I turned to the next best thing, my iPhone, and eventually focused on the Hipstamatic app I bought a few weeks ago. I purchased this after hearing that it was “sooo cool” from my neighbor, but initially was turned off when I found out that it isn’t as easy as a point-and-shoot, you actually have to pick which “lens,” “film” and even which “flash” you want to use. It’s like using Instagram except you have to actually do work and use your mind and stuff. No, thank you.

Now that I was bored out of my mind I decided to start playing around all the settings because, well, that sounded better than staring at the wall. Now…I’m kinda hooked. I ended up running all over the room snapping off pictures, which didn’t really help much in the way of Chase’s nap. These were all taken using the Jimmy Lens, which I love  because it gives a very nostalgic look to the photos. This fit the setting perfectly since the bed & breakfast we chose was advertised as being “historic” and they were not joking.